redgreenfandomcom-20200215-history
False Idol/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW My wife bernice wishes I'd get dressed up more often. But when it comes to wearing a suit I'm kinda like the c.E.O. "c" for christmas, "e" for easter, "o" for obituary. Maybe a lot of you guys aren't like me. Maybe you got a job or a strict wife, or maybe you care about your appearance. I can't do anything about that. But what I can do is show you a cheap way to dry clean your clothes using your own furnace. See, now, this here, this is the heat chamber, where all the air goes through. Now, before you toss the suit in there, you wanna really shock the air freshener to it... Because let's face it, people are a lot more concerned with how you smell than how you look. Then you wrap the whole thing around the aerosol can -- I'll explain what that's for later. Okay, now you just stick the panel back on there. That'll take care of our air movement and our deodorising, but to get any cleaning done, we're going to have introduce some chemicals into the mix, you can get this from any hardware store. [ coughs ] in the no-smoking section. [ coughs ] just soak your filter with this stuff. Then when the furnace fan kicks on, the cleaner will be effectively applied to the garments. [ continues coughing ] you know, this stuff's pretty toxic, so... [ slurring ] when you soak the filter make sure you do it in a well... Ventilated... Boy, had a bit of a nap there, and talk about dreams! I dreamt I was riding a big striped elephant, wearing a purple satin mumuu. Okay, now, to get the suit clean, what you do is you turn the fan switch to the 'on' position which will kind of get the air moving around without turning the furnace on. You let that go for about 10 minutes, and then to get the suit back, you turn up the thermostat. The furnace lights up, and as soon as your furnace gets hot, that aerosol can is going to flatten the wrinkles, fill your clothes with a lovely dry cleaning fragrance, and give you free delivery. Oh, boy. [ cheers and applause ] easy! Easy! Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. One of those reality tv shows is coming here. You believe that? I figured possum lake would be the last place on earth for reality to set in. I don't even know what show it is. Probably "home brew survivor." or maybe "who wants to marry stinky peterson?" ♪ watch for the mail! I'll never fail! ♪ ♪ if you don't get a letter ♪ ♪ you'll know I'm in jail ♪ ♪ t-tootsie, good-bye ♪ ♪ t-tootsie, don't cry! ♪ you ain't seen nothing yet. No argument here. So you think I have a chance? Don't ever ask me things like that. Ha ha ha. Well, I do! I'm auditioning for that reality show. Oh, yeah? What is it, dorks on ice? No, it's "singing sensations." and the winner gets a recording contract and a cheque for $100,000. Holy cow, harold! You know what, you should do this. I am doing it. See, that's good advice. And as your advisor I think I deserve 10% of the 100 grand. Okay. Hundred dollars, okay. Harold, 10% of 100 grand is not $100. It's 1,000. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner will receive this coupon for the port asbestos little theatre play about two mis-matched nova scotia fishermen forced to live in the same boathouse. Don't miss... "the cod couple ." all right, cover your ears there, mike. Red, you've 30 seconds to get mike hamar to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And... Go! Uh, okay, mike, this is how you get stuff. Shoplifting? No, no. Okay, when you get something that you didn't have before, that means you... Slept in a cheap motel. No, uh... Okay, when your dad passes his genes on to you you blank them. Sterilize them. Okay, no, let's go a different way here. This is a place where you sing. Uh, the shower. No, no, actually you perform with a whole lot of people. Oh! The prison shower. No, no, no, mike. Your mother sang in one of these. A topless band? That was a real tough gig for the accordion player. Yeah, uh, red, you're almost outta time. Yeah, okay, mike, when rich people pay a lot of money for something, you always hear this word... Oh, caviar. You know that's just fish eggs? Guess you gotta acquire a taste for it. There we go! Grab your glue stick and run with your scissors down to harold's hobby house! [ cheers and applause ] join me as we explore the exciting world of extreme hobbies. My guest today, mr. Glen brackston formerly of the brackston marina. [ applause ] why don't you stand up, glen, so people can recognize you? Oh, I think they can recognize me better sitting down, harold. I'd prefer if you stood up. Really? Yeah. All right. Glen has a fascinating hobby. He has an extensive collection of teacups and coffee mugs. I'm told they're from throughout the country, and some date back to the 17th century. Mm-hmm! Well, that's not exactly right, harold. There's no teacups. No teacups? No. Just coffee mugs? Coffee mugs are exciting! Yeah, it's a lot of fun. Actually, it doesn't require a lot of work, which is the big plus. [ chuckles ] those are paper coffee cups. Yeah, it's just a sample. The complete collection is in the back seat of my car. You said something about them dating back to the 17th century. No, no, I meant my car. It's my 17th buick century. Yeah, I love the buick century. It's got the reclining seats that go up -- glen, glen glen! What would ever compel you to start collecting paper coffee cups? Well, uh, I guess it was the drive thru. After going there for a few months, the wife got on my back about cleaning out the back seat of my car. So I get this brainstorm. I thought, I'll tell her it's a collection. Well, the thing is, it turned out I enjoyed it after a while. Well, actually, I enjoyed it a lot more than cleaning out the back seat of my car. You know, it's funny, coz I think collecting paper cups would become kinda limiting. Well, no, they're not just coffee cups, harold. No, no. See? That's a double double. Ahh! Decaf. Ah, there it is. Coffee? Latte. Latte! Yeah, fools everybody. You hear a lot of talk these days about fossil fuels and how the depletion of the rain forest is melting the icebergs and drowning all the whales. So now they've got a whole bunch of engineers trying to make cars out of recycled styrofoam cups and gasoline out of cow patties. But you know, sometimes when you can't find the answer looking forward, you should look back. Back in time. This clock stood in the possum lake town square for 75 years. Then last summer they got a grant to spruce up downtown, so they put up some spruce and tore down the clock. Now they got a big digital one on top of city hall. People driving by think it's the price of gas. Probably because it goes up every minute. You know, this clock is kind of like the ideal lodge member... Strong, dependable, and you only have to wind it up once a year. They say the whole world is looking for a cheap, reusable, environmentally friendly fuel. Well, I got the key. Got the clock mounted and connected to the drive train. You know a clock is really just a bunch of gears. So I went to the highest gear to get the maximum horsepower. Then I ran a l-o-ong bicycle chain around it, through the sun roof and down through the floor of the car, and hooked it around another sprocket I duct taped to my drive shaft. You know I didn't even need to cut a hole in the floor boards. That's the beauty of using an older vehicle. Now, I needed a pendulum to make the clock work. The original one was about 10 feet long. I didn't have that kind of room, so I just added some horseshoes to a pickaxe. That should make the clock work fine. People always said I had horseshoes up my something. They just had the location wrong. All right, let's see how our new engine works. [ grunting and groaning ] okay, thank goodness I only have to do that once a year. Boy, I sound like dalton's wife. Anyway, I see by the big clock on my roof that it's time to take this baby for a spin. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Now if you'll excuse me I gotta go save the planet. [ bell gonging ] I went to a wedding over the weekend, and I saw some beautiful sights... The bride, the flowers, the open bar. But there was one sight that was less welcome. That was when dinner ended and the dj started and a bunch of middle aged guys started shaking what was left of their booty on the dance floor. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Now, just in case you think I'm being a wet blanket, let me be clearer. If you're the father of the bride, when you dance with your daughter, that's a moment to remember; likewise if you're a guest and your wife wants to dance with you to 'moon river,' get out there and do that little rockin' two-step that hasn't let you down since the seventh grade. But I'm talkin' about the fast songs. You've let your body go. Don't do the mashed potato; you are the mashed potato. You can't do the locomotion if your engine is only half the size of your caboose. Those aren't strobe lights. That's you passin' out. Now, I know there's always gonna be at least one guy who gets a couple of drinks in him and ignores my advice. That's when you need to do the right thing. Just get a couple of paramedics to walk over, tap him on the shoulder, and quietly say maybe you should just sit this one out, mr. Green. Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] well, today's the big day. Harold's gone down to the community centre to audition for that "singing sensations" tv show, along with almost everybody in town. Moose thompson didn't go. I believe he has a deal with another network... "all-star battle of the giant freaks of nature." but I gotta figure harold didn't do so well, so I should probably be nice to him. I hate this. [ cheers and applause ] yo, dawg, 'arold's in the 'ouse. What up, g? [ laughter ] what did he say? Ah, ahem, ah, he's saying, um, oh, he wants to know how you are. Worried. It's for real, mr. Green. Harold made it into the semi-quarter semi-finals of "singing sensation." he's gonna be on tv! So we really gotta pitch in for tomorrow night, for the next round. Yeah, uncle red, coz I need all you guys to phone in, okay. Coz you gotta phone in and vote for me. That way I get to go onto the next round and beat that 8-year-old girl from port asbestos. No, I can't do it, not tomorrow night, because I'm going down to the arena to buy tickets for the monster truck rally. Sorry. I think my singing career is a little more important than monster trucks. Okay, harold, I know you're excited right now, so I'm gonna let that go. All right, all right, harold. Forget the monster trucks. I'll do the phone in thing. Ah! That's good! Oh, thank you. Thank you. That's great. Come on mike. This is great. This is perfect. Oh, boy! Red: Costs 10 bucks to launch your boat at the possum lake boat ramp, which is fine, but the worst thing is they actually have an attendant to actually make sure you pay. So as a result, he's not all that busy as a rule. Now, we're there, and we have boats, but we're waiting for a certain time... Usually around now would be lunchtime. And this is a man who doesn't skip meals. So we figure as soon as he clears the area, we got 30 minutes to get our boats launched. That's when the fun begins. Now, I got the v-8, so I'm the first one down there with the possum van. Walter stuck his boat on top of his car pointing down so he can hardly see where he's going. And I started down there, but sometimes when you're in a hurry, you know, you get a little -- walter's a bit lost there, and bill just stuck the canoe on top there. So I'm tryin' -- no, no, no. One more time. No, no, back. No, cut her right. Cut her right. Cut her right. Not that -- not that -- ah! That's a little frustrating. And, again, bill is working his way through. She gets turned sideways and, uh -- well, you can see what's comin' here. So now bill pulls up in front of me. He's upset because I'm takin' up the whole ramp, and he's sayin' he wants to launch his canoe. To which I say, what canoe? And you realise that he's up the creek without a canoe, actually at this point. So he goes back to get his canoe on there. Meanwhile, walter's havin' problems, uh, with visibility, so he figures what he should probably is back up and use the side mirror. He's got a clear view there. And you know, in theory, it's not a bad plan. But in practice... Not so good. So now he's lost his mirror, so he pulls ahead to pick up the mirror, not realising bill is driving around in the same area. And now of course bill has duct taped the canoe right on there and he throws the anchor inside up at the bow end. And he's okay. He's good to go. So he takes off with that unit. And meanwhile, walter is driving all over the place too, and so am I, trying to get my boat launched. But bill doesn't realise there's a bit of a ramp on the side of the road, and that tends to fire the anchor out and she winds around a tree, which pulls the canoe sideways and well... That's the name of that tune. Meanwhile, I'm comin' down the thing, walter bangs into me, bill slams into him, and before you know it, everything is going down the boat ramp. Okay, that didn't work out perfectly, but I like to put a positive spin on things. So I'm figurin', yeah, it cost us 10 bucks each, but we launched more than our boats... We launched our vehicles. [ applause ] kinda looks like pbs, doesn't it? Uh, harold's debut was tonight on the big tv singing show, and we've been trying to vote for him for about an hour, but the lines are always busy. There's no redial buttons on these phones that dalton gave us. In fact, there's no buttons at all! Oh, wait, wait. I'm gettin' through. Uh, yes, I wanna place a vote for, uh, harold green. What? Oh, I'm sorry. No, wait. I'll order a double cheese, hold the anchovies. [ phone rings ] uh, yes, a vote for harold green, please. It's me, you idiot. Dad?! Hello? Oh, hello, yes. Harold green. No, no, no. He's the one with the teeth. What? What do you mean he wasn't on the show? Wasn't harold on the show? I didn't watch. It reminds me of work. Harold! How'd it go? What happened? All those people, watching me? I got stage fright and didn't go on. But harold you're on our show all the time. Yeah, but this time there was gonna be women watching. The pressure was just too much. Pressure was too much. You know what, I think maybe we should stop phoning in. Yeah, but they gave me a prize for participating. I got five tickets to the monster truck rally. Wow! Hey, yeah. Whoa! Whoa! You got a prize for not singing? I can see the logic. Well, coz you all phoned in for me, I wanna give you each a ticket. Hey, thanks, harold. Boy, these seats are pretty high. Well, you can see the show from there. I can see my house from there. [ possum squealing ] oh, meeting time. Yeah, you guys go ahead. I'll be right down. Thanks again, harold. So if my wife watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. Got great news. It's okay with me if you invite your parents over for the evening on, uh, November 23. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold, and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down. Sit down. Everybody sit down. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. And bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change if I have to... I guess. Okay, men, harold's had a pretty big day here. He realised he was in a no-win situation, and he had the good sense to give up. He may get married yet. I'd like to just have a small round of applause for harold. [ one person claps lightly ] and I believe, harold, you have a few words. Harold: Yes. Yes. Um, I wanna thank all my fans for sticking close to me, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to abandon my singing career. [ strong applause ] [ chanting "harold" ] closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com